Toothpaste: The Biggest Dental Scam Going

So, toothpaste – what’s that all about? Well, it’s basically the bit of liquid that goes on your toothbrush. It makes brushing your teeth slightly less boring than brushing without it. Of course, we’re all fully aware of why you should be brushing your teeth, aren’t we? In order of priority, if you don’t brush your teeth:

  1. You will go hungry.
  2. Your teeth will fall out. Nobody even remotely fit will come within a mile of you.
  3. Your breath will stink. Refer to point two.
  4. Are you a freak, or what? Refer to point two. Again.

So, for goodness’ sake, brush your teeth.

Anyway, what about toothpaste?

Well, to be quite frank, you actually don’t really need the best, premium sparkly stuff. If you get the one on offer – with fluoride, of course – that’ll do. For all the marketing guff that comes with toothpaste, let’s be honest – it’s essentially a way of making wafting a small hairbrush around your mouth more palatable. Firstly, so the acidic nasties in last night’s curry don’t rot your teeth, and secondly – well, see point two. Again.

You could also use a mouthwash. No, not the remnants of last night’s Stella – but a well-advertised sparkly spangly one with a clinical sounding name and “dentists recommend”* and a model in a white coat with glasses on the front. At the same time, though – don’t expect to pull ladies looking even remotely like the mouthwash girl if when you look in the mirror, it doesn’t so much as crack than launches itself off the wall and legs it out the door. A blinging yellow smile with bits in it will only draw attention to what you don’t want people to see. Develop a comedic patter instead. Or just stay in, and be boring.

At the risk of sounding like a dentist, toothpaste is a way of transferring an antiseptic abrasive to the teeth to remove plaque. You could always save money by dabbing a wet toothbrush into a pinch of salt and proceeding with vigour.** Of course, keep an expensive toothpaste nearby for guests. Make sure it contains all manner of chemicals with long words that sound fancy. And make sure you brush correctly! No amount of whitening toothpaste full of “low-abrasive silica,” “oral microbial flora” or “bamboo micropowder” is going to make a difference if you’re not actually cleaning your teeth. Sort it out. Brush first, ask questions later!

*Dentists don’t recommend any particular brand unless the wheels are being largely greased. This blog is sponsored by no toothpaste we’ve ever heard of. Save your money! Enjoy it!

**Seriously, though; don’t really do this. You do actually need fluoride in toothpaste to keep your teeth sorted. At the same time, I have yet to see a toothpaste in any supermarket across the country that doesn’t have fluoride in it – flashy packaging or otherwise.

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